People pleasing, fear of rejection, perfectionism, procrastination, the need for security: how to recognise them, where they come from and how to update them.
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Many patterns that slow us down today were learnt very early: at home, at school, from the people around us or through earlier experiences. Back then they had a purpose; often they even protected us.
Today many of them run automatically and influence your decisions without you noticing. In this guide I describe the five I come across most often in conversations. If you recognise yourself in one of them, that is no reason to blame yourself; it is the point where change can begin.
This programme often develops where affection was tied to good behaviour. It once protected you. Today it costs you time, energy and respect, including your own.
An honest no shows others where your boundaries are. Most people respect that more than you fear.
To the brain, rejection feels similar to physical pain. Anyone who learnt early that rejection hurts will later avoid it automatically, and in doing so miss most opportunities.
A no refers to your request and says nothing about your worth. If you ask more often, you hear more noes, but also more yeses.
Perfectionism looks like high standards. Often it is protection from judgement: if you never finish, you can never fail.
Quality comes from repetition. Someone who finishes things and learns from them gets better over time than someone who waits for the perfect result.
Procrastination is rarely laziness. Usually there is an unpleasant emotion behind it: uncertainty, overwhelm, fear of the outcome. The programme says: “If you don’t do it, it can’t go wrong.”
Make the first step so small that it is almost ridiculously easy. In my experience motivation usually only comes once you have started.
Many of us learnt early on: a secure job, no risks, meet expectations. For our parents’ generation that was often right; for your life it doesn’t automatically have to be. I had a secure job at Avaloq myself for nine years, so I know how strong this programme is.
Security is to a large extent a feeling. So the question we should really be asking is less what could go wrong and more what it costs you never to try.
Recognising a pattern is the first step, changing it the second. If you notice that on your own you keep falling back into old patterns, let’s talk about it. That is exactly what my coaching is for.
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